Ashes to Ash, Dust to Destiny

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First day of the fourth week, i’ve been writing these little blurbs for month now. Or will be at the end of this week.
i mixed up my meditation a bit today, i turned my phones timer on nd then had a chakra tuner running in the background for my root chakra. i think this week I am pin to go through my chakras,one for every day this week. i first went through my relaxation script and them spent the rest of the time tuning my root chakra. i imagined it was like a pinwheel and my out breathes were spinning it around. it was a good meditation, i went really deep and i felt a real difference in how grounded i was after my meditation and how i felt while i was meditating.
The chakra are important power centers that reside along our spines but most of the literature I’ve read on them is very abstract and hard of me to grasp. pinwheels are a item i see every day and i’m very familiar with how they work. imagining my out breaths blowing my chakra pinwheel around was very easy and super effective.
The concept that the chakras are wheels is based on the word chakra itself, which means spinning wheel. i took this abstract concept and made it more concrete by finding something i was familiar with that i could relate to the concept found in the literature. Chakra equals Wheel equals pinwheel, simple isn’t it?

ravenclawslibrary:

bookworldau:

We’re all too familiar with this.

That is the single greatest moment of panic I’ve ever experienced.

by the same author, but not a sequel….:(

(via rufeepeach)

Last day of the third week?
Another milestone.
I fell asleep again today, waking up again to do my meditation, I can’t blame myself too much because I did on;y et to sleep around one in the morning last night.
It was a little better today, I switched the relaxation technique making it the first rather than the last. I went deeper than I expected. Then my foot went numb during the last few minutes and I had to move it.
Not bad.
It was definitely better than yesterday.
I was still frustrated that I had to move but I think I can shane that with a simple change in positioning. I’ll have to experiment wit a few different postures, see which fit s best.
My cat came to sit with me, he sat in my lap and it actually helped my posture bit. Its funny, sometimes haven my cat is a distraction during meditation but sometimes its almost a boon to have him around.
It really depends on his mood or if I fed him that morning or not.
I as looking for my invocations but could only find the one I have for The Morrigan.
I have to look through my journals to see if I have a copy saved or not of my invocation to Mother Bear, It was a good one that I want to use in my prayers in the future.

I had a weird day today, i got up about an hour before i had to work so i didn’t really have time for
My meditation. I felt kinda off all day because of it. it was like I hadn’t started my day and continue in my day felt very strange. i was kinda lethargic all day today but i did eventually meditate and pray in the afternoon. it wasn’t very satisfying though, i couldn’t concentrate and my cat kept interrupting. he sat in my lay eventually but i still couldn’t really sit down and concentrate. i eventually gave up and ended early. it was frustrating. I probably should find some way to liven my meditation up or something . It was really weird.
I’ll try again tomorrow, maybe i’ll find a mantra to use instead of the usual silence with my breathing. Find a few songs to meditate to. 5 songs 3 min each should do it.
Breaking my routine was really weird, I have to say after almost three months of doing the same routine it as a jolt to do something different. Maybe I can incorporate movement into my practice, a walking mediation is alway nice in the morning. Doing yoga in the morning could also break up the monotony.
Wordless songs are best but songs with lyrics can be good for meditation if they are not to distracting. I went to a meditation group recently that incorporated music into the practice and it seemed to work, also helping keep the time.

Same routine as yesterday.
I used the prewritten prayers again.
I am forcing myself to continue the routine.
About every 3 or four months I go through a brief depression where I don’t ant to do anything, so not wanting to do the meditation or writing isn’t an excuse to not do it. I need the stability but I also feel better for it afterwards. Its one thing I can and have accomplished every week that I can look back on with pride.
For most of my life I have given up on so much when it got to be hard, and I regret those choices bitterly. I was never given the support to accomplish even the smallest of ideas and even belittled for any decision I did make. I struggle with making decisions not because I am indecisive by nature but because I have learned to not trust my own ideas or decisions.
Sometimes even I belittle my own practice when i am in one of my moods and think about stopping because it’s such a small thing that doesn’t really effect me but then i force myself to think about it and say to myself ‘ thats not true, you are accomplishing a small but important thing. if you can continue to do this small thing how to say you can’t do larger things later?’ it’s a stepping stone a small one i will admit but all rest things start with a small step, don’t they?

I got up about 8 today but slept in till 11.
Today is payday so I’ll actually have money in my account. Not for long but its still good enough for now.
My meditation as a little drowsy, I was tired even after having more than eight hrs of sleep, its funny the more sleep I get the more tired I become.
I actually conducted my own prayers without the book, giving my prayer to the hearth goddess, Vesta, and the kindreds as well.
It seemed to me that my words were more heartfelt than just reading them out of a book, I received inspiration through the book but the words and intent were my own. I wanted the goddess to keep chaos and darkness from my home and the people living in my home. I Acknowledged the kindreds in my daily life. I actually felt more connected to my prayers because of it.
I have invocations I have written that I am going to include in my daily rites, my patron would appreciate being acknowledged apart from the general kind. I have also written an invocation to The Morrigan as well, but am hesitant to use it. I know she is many peoples patroness but inviting her into my life right now seems frightening. On the other hand she has really been knocking at my door for some time and I think acknowledging that in some small way would be respectful. What do you think?

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I was a little jittery and just all around distracted today during meditation. I don’t really know why.
I did my usual prayer but couldn’t seem to concentrate. I struggled through the fifteen minutes. The only thing or part I was pleased with was the lighting of the candles, incense and the prayers.
I really felt connected to the divine this morning.
It was kinda cool, a feeling I haven’t had in a long time.
The whole reason I left the church as I was feeling disconnected and alone, I found a pagan church that made me feel loved and part of a family or community I could trust and identify with.
Its also true that my pastor was completely unaware I was being physically abused in my own home, it felt like a betrayal when I told him and he was oblivious. I felt like I didn’t matter, even in the one place I had been taught should accept and love me.
It was hard, growing up as almost a shadow of a person, someone that could be ignored on a daily basis.
I found something different in my current church, they are like the family I never had and I feel blessed to have found them. We have our disagreements and people come and go but as a whole I think we are closer and more loving than any church i’ve found or any group of people i’ve seen.
Being loved and accepted starts at home but if your surrounded by people who debase and tear you down on a daily basis its difficult to create either a positive image of yourself.
When the people who should be your greatest protectors become your enemies, its…difficult to cope.
FInding the ‘family’ I have in my church has been a blessing, healing wounds ages deep.I’m grateful, so grateful for all you in my life, I don’t say it enough but I am saying it now :Thank You!

Second day of the secons week. I’m all smiles but very tired. I had to move my car again after only 3 hrs of sleep and I had a couple glasses of wine last night with my sister. I had a good time. It was nice venting about what was going on to someone.
I have the day off and don’t have any plans. I might go to the music concert out at the park tonight after I drop my niece off at her friends but before that I am drawing a blank. What do you do with a sixteen year old that doesn’t cost money?
When she gets up we might walk over to wendy’s and get an ice cream but those are the extent of my plans.
I could get my scrapbooking stuff together and make cards…that could be fun.
I meditated today but I was distracted…my cat was yowling at me and I couldn’t concentrate. It was somewhat frustrating.
I’m getting a little bored with the prewritten prayers, they were great to get me started but maybe now I can start thinking about creating my own. I have a couple invocations I could use to start with.My patroness is mother bear but she really isn’t a morning riser but if I need her she’ll come though.

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Day 15
Another week has begun.
I did my meditation a little differently today, I concentrated just on my breath for the majority, keeping my thoughts away from my worries as best as I could. They were in my thoughts but s soon as i realized, i gently went back to my breath. thoughts aren’t the bad guy here but the just aren’t what I am concentrating on right now. kind of like when you’re working on a project and you need to follow certain steps, right now I am focusing on step one for my day, my worries are step 2 or 3. they have their place just not right now.
I sent my resume out and I hope to hear back in the next couple days. I’m a little nervous but really hoping to get this job so I can quit my current one. I’m moving in with my other sister in less than a month, and if this job goes well I might be able to start paying my other sister back for all the trouble i’ve been these last few months.
I owe them over 1000 dollars for rent and should be able to pa them back in three months tops, 300 a month will pay most of it.
Then I can start paying my credit card bills and my hospital bills from six months ago.
Then I can start saving up to maybe pay for my own apartment, cross your fingers?

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The end on the first two weeks, a milestone. I was tired during my meditation, I had slept 3 hrs so that wasn’t a surprise.
I went back to bed after I was done.
It’s a normal day. Not much to take note of.
I had to feed my cat, I ate my lucky charms.
It’s a routine kind of day.
Some days, most days, are like that. Its good to have days where nothing happens and you can just relax. Alway being in tension ever day is not only unhealthy it’s draining.
Take advantage of these days. Meditate an extra few minutes, sleep in, watch a movie with a loved one.
Soon enough the days will come where you’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off, enjoy the days between, you will miss them. I miss having them occasionally. Take a stab at loving the chaos but also loving the peace and routine. They are both a part of life and need to be savored.
Don’t be a ‘fluffy bunny,’ acknowledge that there are bad days that come with the good. They don’t all have a purpose and sometimes you don’t have control. What you can control are you reactions to the chaos. These reactions are what matter, they build you up or tear you down. It’s not the events themselves, it’s your actions while in the situation that shape you as a person. Be aware.