i continued with my chakra meditation today. i used the same imagery as before, imagining my sacral chakra as a spinning pinwheel that i could spin with my breathing. i added the thought that in spinning it i was also cleaning all the dust or old evergy from it, an image of a spinning wheel of fire came to me then, burning away the bad or old built up blockages that have built up over the years.
i have many blockages in this area, probably more that in my root.
relating with th asexual has alway been a little bit of a minefield for me, open discussion of this subject was discorage heavily.
both of my parents had their own reasons for blocking this path to knowledge in their own lives but as a consequence it is difficult to find my own way.
Your parents are your first teachers, and when they hide knowledge or discourage learning about a part of your own body, you learn to distrust any future teachers.
learning to trust your intuition or even your own thoughts and ideas is…difficult if not impossible.
clearing this blockage away will take time but in the end i will have reclaimed a part of myself that was lost and that is worth so much.
i was completely and utterly distracted today.
the first ten minutes went fine but as soon as i got got into the last part a fly came in and started buzzing around the room. my cat started chasing fly, crash into various objects long the way.
finally he crashed into my lap and my meditation was over.
my leg was asleep as well so it was just as well.
hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
it was a good meditation really, until the fly came in buzzing
I made valiant effort at the chakra pinwheel meditation but the cat chasing the fly kinda threw me off.
I have to accept that some days are going to work out like that, some things are beyond my control. my cat being one of those things.
it would have been nice to be able to continue despite the distractions but claws tend to get my attention, especially on my bare skin.
its the smallest things that cause us the most trouble or help us overcome.
“Sometimes it is the smallest thing that saves us: the weather growing cold, a child’s smile, and a cup of excellent coffee.”
— Jonathan Carroll
First day of the fourth week, i’ve been writing these little blurbs for month now. Or will be at the end of this week.
i mixed up my meditation a bit today, i turned my phones timer on nd then had a chakra tuner running in the background for my root chakra. i think this week I am pin to go through my chakras,one for every day this week. i first went through my relaxation script and them spent the rest of the time tuning my root chakra. i imagined it was like a pinwheel and my out breathes were spinning it around. it was a good meditation, i went really deep and i felt a real difference in how grounded i was after my meditation and how i felt while i was meditating.
The chakra are important power centers that reside along our spines but most of the literature I’ve read on them is very abstract and hard of me to grasp. pinwheels are a item i see every day and i’m very familiar with how they work. imagining my out breaths blowing my chakra pinwheel around was very easy and super effective.
The concept that the chakras are wheels is based on the word chakra itself, which means spinning wheel. i took this abstract concept and made it more concrete by finding something i was familiar with that i could relate to the concept found in the literature. Chakra equals Wheel equals pinwheel, simple isn’t it?
did i mention all these photos are mine? :D
Last day of the third week?
I fell asleep again today, waking up again to do my meditation, I can’t blame myself too much because I did on;y et to sleep around one in the morning last night.
It was a little better today, I switched the relaxation technique making it the first rather than the last. I went deeper than I expected. Then my foot went numb during the last few minutes and I had to move it.
It was definitely better than yesterday.
I was still frustrated that I had to move but I think I can shane that with a simple change in positioning. I’ll have to experiment wit a few different postures, see which fit s best.
My cat came to sit with me, he sat in my lap and it actually helped my posture bit. Its funny, sometimes haven my cat is a distraction during meditation but sometimes its almost a boon to have him around.
It really depends on his mood or if I fed him that morning or not.
I as looking for my invocations but could only find the one I have for The Morrigan.
I have to look through my journals to see if I have a copy saved or not of my invocation to Mother Bear, It was a good one that I want to use in my prayers in the future.
I had a weird day today, i got up about an hour before i had to work so i didn’t really have time for
My meditation. I felt kinda off all day because of it. it was like I hadn’t started my day and continue in my day felt very strange. i was kinda lethargic all day today but i did eventually meditate and pray in the afternoon. it wasn’t very satisfying though, i couldn’t concentrate and my cat kept interrupting. he sat in my lay eventually but i still couldn’t really sit down and concentrate. i eventually gave up and ended early. it was frustrating. I probably should find some way to liven my meditation up or something . It was really weird.
I’ll try again tomorrow, maybe i’ll find a mantra to use instead of the usual silence with my breathing. Find a few songs to meditate to. 5 songs 3 min each should do it.
Breaking my routine was really weird, I have to say after almost three months of doing the same routine it as a jolt to do something different. Maybe I can incorporate movement into my practice, a walking mediation is alway nice in the morning. Doing yoga in the morning could also break up the monotony.
Wordless songs are best but songs with lyrics can be good for meditation if they are not to distracting. I went to a meditation group recently that incorporated music into the practice and it seemed to work, also helping keep the time.
Same routine as yesterday.
I used the prewritten prayers again.
I am forcing myself to continue the routine.
About every 3 or four months I go through a brief depression where I don’t ant to do anything, so not wanting to do the meditation or writing isn’t an excuse to not do it. I need the stability but I also feel better for it afterwards. Its one thing I can and have accomplished every week that I can look back on with pride.
For most of my life I have given up on so much when it got to be hard, and I regret those choices bitterly. I was never given the support to accomplish even the smallest of ideas and even belittled for any decision I did make. I struggle with making decisions not because I am indecisive by nature but because I have learned to not trust my own ideas or decisions.
Sometimes even I belittle my own practice when i am in one of my moods and think about stopping because it’s such a small thing that doesn’t really effect me but then i force myself to think about it and say to myself ‘ thats not true, you are accomplishing a small but important thing. if you can continue to do this small thing how to say you can’t do larger things later?’ it’s a stepping stone a small one i will admit but all rest things start with a small step, don’t they?